The End for Bugs?
by Crow T R0bot
Summary: Naked Snake tries to stay one step ahead of The End during Operation: Snake Eater. However, Major Zero has activated a sleeper agent to aid him...a very "wascally" sleeper agent.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Metal Gear. It is the property of Hideo Kojima, Konami, Kojima Productions. Looney Tunes is the property of Warner Brothers.

This idea has been bouncing around in my head for over a year now, and with the summer on, I'm going to finally write it. Hope this gives you a good chuckle.

**Sokrovenno, Tselinoyarsk, U.S.S.R.**

Naked Snake remained crouched, gun and knife at ready. He was certain he had given the slip to the sentries in the neighboring Svyatogornyj area, and cluttered as this next area was, he couldn't find a single Spetznaz trooper.

Still, it was better to err on the side of caution. The mountainous Krasnogorje region was just beyond here, and while Snake welcomed the prospect of getting out of this torturously humid rainforest, there would be fewer places to hide. He could never afford to get complacent.

Ironically, he was reminded of a warning EVA gave him over the radio.

A solid hundred yards ahead of Snake's tree-lined position was a cliff with a grassy ledge. Even if Snake had been standing right in front of the grasses, he still would not have noticed something lying in it until a real snake slithered over an out of place mass blending in with the shrubbery.

The being did not stir as the snake crawled across its back and over its wrinkly head, bare, save for a pair of headphones/earmuffs and a long, thick beard. A large native insect similarly scaled his bald head with impunity. The rest of his body remained concealed by a photosynthetic moss ghillie suit, green as the plants around him.

It wasn't until his pet parrot landed and quietly squawked a "Hello? Hello?" that the man leapt to consciousness.

He didn't jump, but with a start, he gripped his other 'companion,' a Mosin Nagant sniper rifle modified to fire tranquilizer darts. In a heart beat, he brought the scope up to his dominant left eye and let it bulge out of its socket in a sickening, cartoonish manner to get his bearings.

The time he spent bathing in the sun's glow had returned the vigor to his old bones and withered muscles, but he knew it would not last. However, rather than rot as a helpless vegetable in the confines of his wheelchair, the Ancient Sniper had chosen to wait in these woods overnight, waiting to face his final opponent when the daylight came.

He would die, that was a given, but at least he would die at the hands of a worthy opponent than at the hands of time.

"I beg of you..." he whispered with an unreal echo.

Snake stood up with a start as a strange voice filled his ears. He didn't move from his spot, but warily scanned the green miasmic jungle with his eyes, desperately seeking its source.

"_...Grant me the strength to take this final prey. Let me linger in this world a little longer__. I have already slept enough for one lifetime, enough for an eternity." _He could almost hear the speaker smirk with those last few words. _"You have my thanks. I have to thank you...for waking me."_

Snake narrowed his eyes. Were those last words directed at him?

"_If you hadn't shown up, my sleep...would have been eternal."_

Snake thought he had heard the fluttering of a bird's wings to the north, but still could find no trace of human life as far as he could see.

Summoning his newfound strength, the Cobra soldier rose to his feet, standing over the cliff edge.

"Do you hear me...Snake?" He tacked on that last word to make sure his quarry had no doubts as to who he was addressing. "I...am _The End!_ I am here to send you to your ultimate fate! You'll make a fine quarry for my final hunt!"

**Ancient Sniper-The End** **(Grant Albrecht)**

Realizing this forest was a perfect environment for a sniper of The End's caliber, Snake ducked behind a tree. He grabbed his radio and switched the frequency to 142.52. As soon as the static cleared, he spoke to the woman on the other end.

"EVA, I found that sniper you were talking about." He whispered.

"_That's The End. He's a legend, known as 'The Father of Sniping.'"_ She whispered back.

"I've got experience sniping in urban and marine environments..." he explained.

"_What about the forest?"_ The concern was palpable in her hushed inquiry.

Even though she couldn't see him, he quickly shook his head. "Never."

"_I see, well..."_ She was almost about to give Snake a rundown on the geography of Sokrovenno before something suddenly hit her. _"Wait, I got in touch with your C.O. shortly after I warned you about The End. He told me to tell you to call him the next time we talked."_

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"_Well, __I would have, but Volgin sent Ocelot Unit out to patrol the route I originally planned to take to our rendezvous point._ _I was focused on staying undercover and finding another route that it slipped my mind afterwards."_

"Well, in that case, stay incognito. I'll get in touch with the Major right away."

With that, Snake cut off his transmission to EVA and contacted Major Zero.

"_Snake, any progress? Have you made it to the mountains yet?"_ Zero asked immediately.

"Negative, Major," Snake said as he peeked to his immediate surroundings, hoping his new foe wouldn't ambush him. "I've been ambushed. One of the Cobras, The End, is here."

"_You've bumped into him already?"_ The Major sounded genuinely surprised. _"Not a moment sooner I suppose, but word of caution: watch your fire."_

"Is there something I should know about, Major?"

"_Well, EVA called in ahead and warned us that The End would be in the area, and frankly, I feel we're strapped enough for time as it is."_ The normally upbeat Zero's voice became slightly grim at those last few words. _"While I feel I may have overstepped my bounds, I felt obliged to activate a 'sleeper agent' we had stationed in the region recently."_

**Twenty Minutes Earlier**

_BRR-RIIIIIIIIIING!_

"_Aaaaaah-SHADDAP!" _Snapped an agitated voice before the source of the noise, an alarm clock, found itself flung across the room.

The person who had sent the alarm sailing threw off the covers of his bed and stretched with a deep yawn before rubbing his eyes. Finally, he opened them to the sight of his familiar dirt burrow, a home away from home.

"Geez Louise, what's an agent gots' ta do to get some sleep around here?"

_Breet-Breet! Breet-Breet!_ Came a quieter, less intrusive, but still annoying noise.

"All right then, what's on the agenda for today?" The agent muttered to himself before grabbing the speaker to a radio next to his bed.

"...Eh..." He spoke into the speaker. "Who's dis? If it's another one of you telemarketer guys, I have to warn you this is a government frequency, and we're on every 'Do Not Call' list in the country."

"_...This is Major Zero,"_ answered a British accented voice on the other end of the radio. _"You're Codename: Wanzen, are you not?"_

"Maybe, what's da situation, doc?"

"_I'm activating you immediately. One of our agents is in a bit of a spot, and his opponent has skills you're experienced in countering. __I need you to make way to Sokrovenno post-haste!"_

"Aw gee whiz, doc!" the sleepy agent punctuated with a yawn. "I'm awfully sleepy. I might take a wrong turn at Albuquerque if I don't get another five minutes of sleep!"

"_Agent Wanzen, Albuquerque is clear on the other side of the planet."_ The officer on the other hand sounded a little more impatient. _"Sokrovenno is...what? Ten clicks west of your post?"_

"Aw, gee, let me verify dat..." The agent put down the radio and emptied a sidearm he left on the table. He never once used it in his career, but hung onto it for formality's sake. One click came as he pulled the trigger, then another, repeat ad nauseam.

"Doc, my gun clicked ten times, I ain't anywhere near Succotasho or Sacre Bleu or wherever you want me to-."

"_I'll be more than happy to laugh at your jokes after you hear me out. Now, here's the situation..."_

"_Annoying sass to superiors aside,"_ The Major concluded. _"...he's been mobilized and is on the way to your area. He should be arriving shortly."_

"Major, are you sure this guy's cut out for the job?"

"_Of course he is, he's a Master Sergeant in the Marine Corps. and a damned good one too!"_ Zero spoke with pride.

"Only a Master Sergeant," the concerned Snake noted. "I wasn't aware they sent out NCOs for deep cover solo ops like this."

"_Normally we don't, but as far as dealing with enemies in unconventional terrain, this fellow is second to none. Hell, during the war, he was the Pacific Theater's answer to Cobra Unit. You could say he really...Nipped the Nips."_ The Major concluded that with no doubt a coy smirk on the other end of the line.

"Hold on a second," Snake would have cut off Zero if he raised his voice even a millisecond sooner. "If this guy is as good as you say he is, then why even bother sending me? I mean, like you said, he's _right there._"

"_Well, we _could_ have made him the Operation: Snake Eater operative,"_ Zero explained. _"But if we did that, you and I couldn't redeem ourselves, and we'd be facing that firing squad yesterday."_

"Hrmm..." Snake grumbled. It had barely been a week since The Boss had broken his arm and leg before being thrust onto this mission, and she had already kicked his ass once more shortly after his rough aerial insertion. When this mission was over, he'd be glad to still have just an eye.

"_In the meantime,"_ Zero concluded. _"Try not to let The End pump you full of tranquilizers and double-time your way to the mountains. Groznyj Grad is just a few more miles, so suck it up. Over and out."_

With the click confirming the transmission cutoff, Snake grumbled a little more and got into his Leaf camouflage. Hopefully The End, for all his sniping prowess, wouldn't shoot a dart up his ass in the intervening sneak.

While the Ancient Sniper's adrenaline was still flowing freely, his patience was wearing thin. There was very little cover between this spot and his prey's position, and he had sent his parrot forth as an extra set of eyes to spy on Snake.

He was tempted to get up and run to one of the many, _many_ hiding places throughout this spiritual landscape. The forest was his ally, and would aid him in his dying moments so that he may yet avenge The Pain and The Fear, who had already fallen at his quarry's hands.

Still, as his eye bulged out of its wrinkled eye socket to peer through his Mosin-Nagant's scope, his view of the landscape was abruptly obstructed by a gray blur, followed by another eye.

So jarring was this, the centenarian stumbled out of his squatting position and fell into a sitting position. He managed to recover from his startled mindset in time to look the way he had been before.

Standing in the bushes he had been hiding was a gray, anthropomorphic rabbit with its right index finger jammed up the barrel of his prized rifle. In his free left hand was a partially eaten carrot, which bobbed slightly as he held off the urge to eat it long enough to introduce himself.

"...Eeeeeh..." He interrupted his own introduction long enough to nibble off a bit of the carrot and chew it with quick, crisp crunches. "...What's up, doc?"

"Wh-what's up?" He let his right eye sink back into its socket before blinking and shaking his head. Was this a hallucination produced by his aged brain in his dying moments?

"Geez, I was told ya had a parrot. Not dat you were one." The rabbit used his index finger to gently push the rifle aside as he bit what was left of his carrot free of its leaves before swallowing it in an audible gulp.

"Wh-who are you? Where's Snake?!" The Ancient Sniper hissed as his trigger finger tightened around the rifle.

"Geez Louise, you Cobras and your snakes. I deal with enough rattlers in the desert as it is!" He made no move to stop the old man as he rose himself to a standing position. "You want _that_ Snake though doc, you gotta go through me!" He jabbed a thumb to his chest for emphasis.

**Wascawy Wabbit-Bugs Bunny** **(Mel Blanc)**

"Hey, the audience ain't idiots!" Bugs exclaimed as he produced a handkerchief and wiped his introductory text off of the screen in yet another one of Hideo Kojima's classic flips of the bird to the fourth wall.

"You have no business being here..." said the old veteran. "...I came here to hunt snakes, not rabbits.

"Aw geez, didn't ya hear doc?" Bugs said in a tone that sounded like he was about to rain on someone's parade. "Snake season ain't until June. It's rabbit season dis' time of year!" He thought to himself. _I can't believe I said that and tried to sound like I meant it for once._

"My hunt will _not_..." He paused to let the 'not' sink in, poking the rabbit in the chest with his Mosin-Nagant. "...be interrupted by your little upstart."

The rabbit rolled his eyes, dismissively putting his hands on his hips. "Sorry doc, but until my buddy clears out of here, I ain't takin' my eyes off ya!"

Had the bunny been a little more perceptive, he probably would have noticed the sinister smirk underneath the man's beard.

"...Thank goodness for that."

Faster than the rabbit could see, The End reached into one of his ghillie suit's pockets and, with an audible click, tossed a small metal cylinder at Bugs' feet. The rabbit looked down, but that proved to be a terrible mistake.

**BLAM!**

For a moment, Bugs found nothing but white in his vision, and the only sound he heard was a consistent ringing and a feeling of disorientation that would leave stars in his vision once it returned.

Sure enough, after ten agonizingly long seconds, shapes and colors managed to breach the whiteness, finding himself in the same place he left. However, there was one major problem...

"_Bugs, what happened?!"_ Zero screamed in his ear. _"Bugs?! BUUUUUUUGS!"_

With his sensitive hearing already recovering, the worrywart major shouting into his ears was the last thing Bugs needed.

Of course, in true tongue-in-cheek fashion...

"Doc," Bugs said into the radio. "I can hear ya just fine. Just go see a therapist about yer insectophobia!"

He did not give the major a chance to respond before he cut off his radio, using the newfound peace and quiet to make another observation.

The End was nowhere to be found. Air occupied the space he once stood, as did the burnt out flashbang that aided his getaway.

But Bugs Bunny wouldn't let a little cheap shot like that stop him. He quickly wiped the stars out of his vision and looked to the ground at his feet, noting that for all his guile as a sniper, the old marksman had left a trail of muddy footprints in his wake. A grave mistake, even if one didn't have to deal with the cunning rabbit.

Still, the fact that the sniper had gotten the drop on him at all without it being part of one of Bugs' zany tricks was a sleight that the rabbit would not take lightly.

"Of course you realize..." he said in a low, unusually serious tone "...that _this means war_!"

**To Be Continued**

All right, in retrospect, this opening is kind of lame, but rest assured I have plenty of classic gags and material for everyone's favorite Wascally Wabbit to pull on everyone's favorite boss...among other things.

Hopefully this at least has you hooked. :)


End file.
